Hi ... it's been a while...
'write something...'
Hi - it’s been a while. I have had a huge break from writing. I can’t tell you why, but after a little more than 3 years hosting my own blog- Generosity of Spirit (www.generosityofspirit.co.uk) I guess I had a severe case of writer’s block. I liken it a little to when I graduated with a Philosophy Degree, a subject I absolutely loved- I almost instantly stopped reading Philosophy. I still don’t. I wonder what that is, some form of saturation!? An immersive period of time, followed by a void. I am not sure, what I do know is - I love words, and I love writing.
I have always had the feeling that I have something inside of me that I want to share, but I have also always been scared. Scared to write- maybe? Scared to fail - definitely. I was talking to a friend lately, and I mentioned - I had never failed. It was a sweeping comment, but the more I have thought about it since, the more I realised - I was right. I have not failed. Ever. I’ve never failed an exam, I’ve never done something and had a massive fail moment - mostly because I have guarded myself against this by walking away, or bowing out before I fail. I don’t often push myself out of my comfort zone, I often hear myself saying- ‘I can’t do that’ - ‘I can’t run’ or ‘I can’t bake’ or whatever it may be. Talking to my friend, I realised I limit myself all the time. I think, it was to create a safer environment for myself. I have a lot of anxiety, everyday - I often feel totally unsure of myself out there in the big wide world. I am an introvert through and through, I would also describe myself as a sensitive person. Over the last few years I have developed a simple and slow living philosophy, which has given me the validation and space within my own life to truly relax and live authentically for possibly the first time in my life.
At 35 years old, I feel closer to who I truly am than ever before. But I am still very guarded. I still don’t tend to push myself out of my comfort zone. I know what I want to achieve, I think I also know what is not working in my own life- but truthfully, I am holding myself back.
I did an exercise recently following a class on Skillshare called ‘An Anti-Vision’, where you write about a typical day in your life in the future - but with the focus on what would make you miserable, sad, uninspired- what would be the opposite of what you consider to be a ‘happy life’ and it was eye opening. Why is it easier to think of what you don't want? Funnily, in writing what you don’t want - you do accidentally write what you do want. It sounds like a negative exercise, but honestly it was so powerful. It also reinforces the concept that you are in control of your own life. So often we feel like we are just swept through the days and everything happens around us, and to us. That is such an untruth, and maybe it is an untruth we tell ourselves to alleviate the pressure - I am not sure. However, when you truly look inward and realise how much power we have over our own choices, moods, life - it gives us the opportunity to forge the life we want.
Of course, it isn’t as easy as that- but what it does do is open our eyes - forces us into a present state of mind, and the present is where the action takes place.
Take right now, this moment. I have been putting off writing for months… I opened my laptop this morning, with no agenda. No concept, no thought or plan as to what I wanted to write. I simply, made a pact with myself to ‘write something’. I have been sitting with this phrase for maybe a month or more, I wanted to crack open the door and then I guess wait and see if I would take the bait. And, then here I am - writing. I have no idea what - but I am writing! It feels so good, and I know it is something that I have needed to return to for myself.
For now… watch this space to be continued…
