How to Practice Self-Compassion
The most powerful relationship you will ever have, is the relationship with yourself
This voiceover is an audio version of my Slow Sunday Letter below. It is unedited, so may have some stutters, imperfections, and background noise. (Book Lovers Chat is not included in this audio). I hope you enjoy listening to it anyway!
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Hello and welcome back! I hope you have had a slow and gentle week. In this week’s Slow Sunday Letter I want to talk about self-compassion, and provide a gentle reminder to replenish your reserves, and give yourself some love. So, grab a cuppa, get cosy and let’s take the next few minutes just for you…
‘When we give ourselves compassion, we are opening our hearts in a way that can transform our lives’ Dr Kristin Neff
Take a moment to think about how you treat yourself when you make a mistake or fail to reach a goal. If you are lacking in love and understanding, you may need to practice more self-compassion.
According to Dr Kristin Neff in her book ‘Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself’ there are three pillars of self-compassion. These should help you develop a healthier, more loving and supportive relationship with yourself.
Three Pillars of Self-Compassion
Self-kindness
Compassion starts with being gentle with yourself. Instead of getting upset or criticising yourself, you're supportive and caring.
Common humanity
When things are hard, knowing that everyone goes through difficult times can help you feel connected to others in your life, rather than feeling alone.
Mindfulness
Being aware of your feelings without letting them overpower you helps you stay compassionate with yourself. Mindfulness helps you respond to situations with a clearer head.
Check in with Yourself
How are you doing lately?
I have had a ‘stuck’ feeling lately. I spent the first couple of months of the year, dreaming and making so many plans, and as is so often the case I started multiple projects at once, and overwhelmed my plate. After a while, all of my goals and dreams got sticky, and I have been feeling a little stuck … stuck creatively, stuck with getting my writing project off the ground and in essence – I think I have stalled.
I follow a Slow and Gentle Living Philosophy and my main goal is to always live slowly and simply, I have spoken before about how much value I place on harnessing peace and calm in my life. Sometimes, my day job can disrupt this, I work part time and for this I am very grateful, but my job can still feel at odds with how I want to live my life. This creates a real sense of conflict that is hard to shake. I also manage anxiety. I have started to push myself out of my comfort zone more often, sometimes this goes well, and sometimes less so, and I must retreat a little. It is so easy to feel anxiety is always in control, and this can manifest itself in negative self-talk and frustration.
Show Yourself Some Self-Compassion
‘If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete’ Jack Kornfield
I believe devoting real time and attention to our self-care and self-compassion is something that we should be investing in every day. Not only to maintain our balance and help us sustain our mental and physical health, but also so in times of great pain, loss, or stress we have some reserves and have practiced self-compassion and self-love which is vital.
I think in ‘life’ there can be a focus on self-esteem, but we don’t spend so much time thinking about self-compassion. The main difference between self-esteem and self-compassion is that self-esteem is contingent on success or being ‘good’ at something or comparatively better than others. Whereas self-compassion is there regardless of whether you succeed or fail.
“With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.” Dr Kristin Neff
It seems evident that self-compassion is an important quality to develop and place at the centre of what we do, to encourage our own sense of happiness and wellbeing. When struggling with this, I go back to basics and just focus on speaking to myself kindly. Think about how you would support and comfort a friend or family member… now give that same love and compassion to yourself. It is all too easy to think when things have stalled, that we should be working harder or doing more, whereas actually showing ourselves some self-compassion is a great place to start.
One of the many reasons I am so attracted to slow living is that it is impossible to truly live slowly without becoming aware of your emotional, psychological, and physical wellbeing. Slow and Gentle Living asks us to slow down and notice – look at what you are doing and why. This can lead to more challenging periods of time, in which you are adjusting how you live in order to support yourself better.
The practice of examining your life in a really honest way, to see how it lines up to your values and passions, to make sure you are living in alignment with what makes you happy and content, whilst also living authentically is big! This is important life work! And it takes time. In order to do this work, you have to have self-compassion. This work doesn’t happen overnight.
Three Ways to Boost Your Self-Compassion:
Comfort your body.
Eat something healthy. Have a nap. Give yourself a break. Take a walk. Practice Yoga/Pilates. Do some gentle stretches. Go for a bike ride. Have a bubble bath or long shower.
Give yourself some love.
Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend. Practice self-soothing. Be understanding towards yourself when things don’t go to plan. Recognise that you are human, and everyone makes mistakes or finds themselves in difficult times.
Practice mindfulness.
Meditating. Journaling. Doing something creative. Art work. Spending some time on a hobby. Getting out in nature. Doing a puzzle.
Self-Compassion: Journal Prompts
How do I feel today?
What do I need right now?
When do I feel most calm and at ease?
What is one expectation you have of yourself that you can stop pressuring yourself to meet?
What does Self-Compassion mean to you?
List three reasons you are a proud of yourself…
What have you been giving most of your energy to lately?
What would you like to devote more energy to?
How would a friend describe your strengths and virtues?
How can I gently challenge any self-limiting beliefs or negative self-talk?
Start Where You Are
‘A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life’ Christopher Germer
Right now, I am all about taking the pressure off and practising some self-compassion. If that means less stuff gets done, then that is okay. If it means forgiving myself for allowing stress at work to get to me sometimes, then so be it. If my anxiety wins one day – it is reminding myself that I am still moving forward. If my creative projects stall – it is telling myself, I still have time. If some days I feel like I am failing at living slowly and I feel rushed, and my treasured peace and calm is waning, it is about giving myself grace to stop, take a deep breath – and take a moment to refocus.
Book Lovers Chat
Welcome to this week’s Book Lovers Chat! I finished Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman and it joins Anne of Green Gables and The Midnight Library and becomes my third five star read of 2024. Eleanor is one of the most wonderful characters I have ever read. This book is great read and the way the author reveals Eleanor’s story is absolutely masterful. Funny, captivating and touching. Wonderful.
I really hope this week’s Slow Sunday Letter has made you think about how much self–compassion you show yourself? And what actionable steps you could take to give yourself more love and kindness.
If you feel able, please let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
Thank you for being here,
With Light & Love
Emily xxx
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Emily you make many great points in this post as always 🥰 but I agree and try to practice this one above all. Self compassion and compassionate self talk. These have been an integral part of my spiritual awakening and I hold them intentionally deep in my heart. Thanks for saying this in such a beautiful way in this post. 🫶🏻 Keep shining bright. 😇
There are days when the chaos and stress of the staff at one of my clients where I spend a few days a week gets to me. It’s on track to only get worse. I’m considering that within the next year, I need to move on. How do I deal with it? As the weather has gotten nicer, I sometimes come home, pull a lounge chair onto my lawn and bliss out with my face to the sun or just retreat to my own space I’ve set up in my bedroom, close my eyes for a bit and relax.